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  I can't believe I doomscrolled so far I ran out of doom

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  Too many voting for Democrats are also buying GOP talking points on trans people. You know they're lying to you about the economy, and Iran, and various vanity construction projects, you should apply some of that skepticism to their vilification of a minority.

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  Sam Altman says he's gonna need your keyboard and mouse too.

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  Obama's "Cheesecake Factory" joke didn't land with me not cause it was classist or anything like that, but cause I've never been inside one and I just have to try to remember from Bing Bang theory and then I remember all the hacky bits and I kind of get distracted and anyway bazinga

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  No stream tonight, I ain't feeling good

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  History is written by the victors, so how do we really know it was a monster mash

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  I imagine rank-choice voting would get more fans if every race had two Dan Sullivans or whatever the store brand Dan Sullivan equivalent is

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  I might be an abominable creature, but your rude ass is the real monster

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  I hate gay halloween what do you mean you're the Private Exclusive Enemy

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  [in the future after semantic shift has changed "passed away" from a euphemism for death to a euphemism for fart] "oh man, it smells like someone passed away in here

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  Ironically, I have a soft spot for incorrect animal skeleton Halloween decorations

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  It especially includes McGruff

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  Damn, young Patrick Stewart could get it

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  If you could pinpoint when the first flower existed, you could time travel to that point and smell it. But it's a trick, deinonychus knew this would get you to let your guard down.

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  Whenever someone says we need a leftwing version of Trump, I'm pretty skeptical. His worst impulses wouldn't be good by adding a D after his name. There's precious little in his model that should be replicated. But if Democrats started giving speeches about butts it would be really funny.

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  I can adjust the time on the automatic feeder for the cats, but they still wake me up at the wrong hour

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  Transphobes:I won't vote for you because I hate trans people Democrat: oh ok...I also hate trans people? Will you vote for me now? Transphobes: lol no

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  If a politician is willing to throw a marginalized group under the bus, they'll do it to another group later. You can't trust someone who does that.

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  The data center push proves America can still do massive infrastructure projects, but only if it's to run a long con.

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  Everyone tells me First Blood is good, but I can't imagine enjoying Stallone outside of the masterpiece Demolition Man which is flawless.

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  I hate it when my boss makes demands of me like "don't start fires in the break room" dude, you weren't even in the break room

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  When the orgy is very poorly organized

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  My daughter has started referring to herself as a "Dolly Parton atheist" unlocking a new theology that will alter the course of mankind.

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  My archaeologist friend got drunk and confessed that 80% of the artifacts they find are sex toys the world isn't ready to know about

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  If all mammals can get rabies, dolphins have a chance to be absolute nightmare fuel.

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  When interviewing for a job, ask about their "yogurt policy" and chuckle derisively at whatever answer they give you. Now you have the upper hand and they don't even have a coherent yogurt policy.

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  were you a "pleasure to have in class" or a "this will go on your permanent record"

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  "Al is here to stay" well ok, but me complaining about Al is also here to stay