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  cutting carbs by eating only one spaghettum

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  it’s 2am and imma go to sleep if you see me posting no you didn’t

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  it’s actually very easy to log off i’ve done it 9 or 10 times today

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  burrito burp fajita fart taco toot enchilada emission quesadilla...uh.... help

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  escape room but it's actually an entire planet and the twist is there is no escape

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  they should invent neighbours that don’t live next door to you

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  when you’re a messy eater your everything bagel becomes an everything bra

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  i don't get why the hare didn't simply flip the tortoise on his back when the ref wasn't looking

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  (shining a UV blacklight on all of the fediverse) ewwwww

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  everytime i think i’ve just read the last one ever, another sisyphus joke drops

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  yes i'm into epic historical dramas (replaying all our arguments in my head)

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  people should post less whiny and more whimsy

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  i have the confidence to wear an itsy bitsy teeny weeny polka dot bikini but not the courage to go out without my phone

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  while y'all were sleeping i was studying the blade (cake knife)

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  i’m so chronically online my shampoo says like and repost instead of rinse and repeat

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  (divorce settlement negotiations) no YOU keep the drafts folder

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  omg your honour, why are you so judgy?

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  if you ever catch me sleepwalking please make sure my watch is tracking those steps

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  tickling with your tongue is called lickling

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  an emu is just an ostrich that's found my chemical romance

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  coming back as the cilantro on your taco after I die is exactly what you deserve

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  more like tatooine my ass (grogu shitposting)

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  they're only shower thoughts if you need to have a cold one after you've thunk it

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  following my mastodon account will always remain ad free because fuck capitalism *takes a swig of Coke Zero and smiles at the camera*

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  (climbing into bed with phone) oh no, i forgot to brush my bluetooth

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  neither good cop nor bad cop but a secret third thing (mid cop)

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  will y'all still love me as much if i smell like tiger balm the whole day?

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  one must imagine sisyphus getting rickrolled

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  i should be able to do an emoji react on your forehead when you speak irl

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  you be the early nerd, I'll be your regulan bloodworm